4 Year Old Adult has nominated me for the Dragons Loyalty Award. Thankyou very much for this honour!
Here are the rules:
1.Thank the giver and link their blog to your post.
2.Pass the award on to other bloggers of your choice and let them know that they have been nominated.
3.List 7 facts about yourself.
Here Goes!
1. I am caught between being an extrovert and somebody incapacitated by fear of social settings.
2. I have been creating a mandala each night, and have been amazed by what has come up. It’s interesting to look at a few week’s worth and see what has popped out of my brain!
3. I wake up each night at 3am. I usually read and think before having a light sleep again for an hour or so.
4. I love riding the red double-decker bus around Sydney with my daughter. I turn the phone off and relax.
5. I love good coffee and fine wines, preferably with a harpist playing at a lovely venue.
6. I love photographs and feel a little overwhelmed that I now have a few year’s worth to print off! Digital photography has made the taking of pictures easy. Too easy!
7. I am eccentric, though only in my routine, diet, dress sense, hair, way of thinking and decorating. I love people who stand out as individuals.
I nominate the following:
Corina
Wonder of My Worlds
Changing Minds
I have slowed down, and my brain (and life) are better for it. I am actually letting myself feel the physical pain that I endure. It hurts, but it is real. It appreciates being felt. I am still limiting my caffeine intake and exercise in the sunshine each day. I am eating regularly and acknowledging feelings as they come up. It hasn’t been as overwhelming as I feared.
A production crew are shooting the next season of the excellent series Changing Minds in the district I live in. It will be shown on the ABC later this year. A beautiful mum I know was interviewed the other day by the crew. She was so brave as she turned her face to the winter sun and talked about her depression. How it felled her, and how she is making her comeback. I was in awe of her. The production crew impressed me with their sensitivity and empathy. The mental health sector needs more funding, and it needs it now.
I well remember when I searched for help for a loved one several years ago. I was frightened for them, that they may not make it. Time was of the essence. There was a procession of psychologists, doctors, scans, blood tests, and diagnosis’. Some believed this person had an adrenal issue, others believed it was hormonal. Still others believed it was depression. There were about ten different diagnosis before bipolar was diagnosed. I was left to sort through all the information as this person was too ill to do it themselves. Alternative health practitioners became involved in case it was dietary. You will try anything when you are so ill. The person became sicker. I turned to a church who offered counselling. I was asked whether this person’s family had ever been involved in the Masonic practice. I was bemused and asked what this had to do with mental health. I was told that curses can be carried through bloodlines. I was aghast that no practical help was offered. It made this person become more insular, to everyone’s detriment.
Finally, a mental health service opened in our town. A place I was able to get to easily and which was free. As a support person, I was going down, and these people could see it. I was given excellent advice and was able to remain on an even keel whilst helping this loved one. I looked forward to my visits, and finding a workable way of life, for myself and this person. I rang to make an appointment late last year, only to find that this service had closed. The local mental health unit do their very best with limited resources. It is immensely frustrating and heart-rending for the staff. It took years for this person to reach a proper diagnosis. I am so thankful that they held on for it. They are stable, though their grip on life can be tenuous. I look forward to watching the next season of Changing Minds. I look forward to hearing from the dedicated staff, who do their level best in a system plagued with funding cuts and politics. I look forward to hearing the stories of the clients, who have been through hell and keep paddling. You all amaze and astound me with your iron will. There is something inside that makes you hold on; the promise of a beautiful future filled with restful sleep and wondrous times. Keep holding on.
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Getting out in the Sunshine.
A friend texted me the other day, and insisted on seeing me. “When are you free today?” he had written. I felt a pain in my chest, knowing I would be flitting from one activity to another, and then another. Then, a smattering of light hit the quagmire, and I replied, “I have an hour whilst L is at a class.” We sat down and conversed, he with green tea, and me with a strong coffee. It was my fifth of the day. He could see I was overwhelmed and questioned all that I forced myself to fit into a day. He was concerned. It was enough for me to be taken aback and review what I was doing. Home schooling my daughter, I was trying to be all things to her. Teacher, mum, social planner, and many more aside. I was trying to please all the people in my world, keep my commitments, and generally be functional. I had around thirty texts a day and around a thousand emails to answer. I was exhausted.
There was no time to eat lunch, no time to change hormone patches, no time to see a doctor or exercise… Hell, there was barely enough time to down more caffeine! I had been feeling as though I were heading for a nervous collapse. Deadlines for articles and deadlines I put on myself. Put in a noisy neighbour who compromised my sleep… I would wake up and have to down two coffees. I would sit on the couch shaking with anxiety, filled with dread at all I had to do. I had to keep everyone happy. Sometimes I would hyperventilate and my stomach would churn. When you have so much to do that you don’t know where to start… My friend was right, and I acknowledged the wisdom of his observation. “I use business as an avoidance tool,” I replied. If I am busy, I can’t feel lonely. If I am busy, my physical pain is ignored. If I am busy, I don’t have time to feel the sorrow, depression and anger.
If I am busy, I can avoid my social anxiety. I don’t quite know where I fit in, and if people actually want to see me. I don’t call friends out of fear of rejection. I am unsure of my place in friend’s lives. I am scared. Thus, I drink coffee of a day, run around like a mad thing, and drink wine at night to come down off my adrenaline rush. The wine brings me down, way down. I go to bed, sleep for a few hours, wake up with a dry mouth and start again. It has to stop. My friend held up a mirror, and I saw the truth. I had no spaces in my life. None. I have to let go of control.
The school holidays began, and I vowed to not over-commit. A new playground opened around the corner, and I set off with my daughter. It felt wrong, and I had a panic attack. I felt guilt that I wasn’t doing things at home. That was a big indicator that I needed to do this, immediately. When depression hits, it hits in a big and scary way, like a tsunami of churned-up emotions. It tells me to stay home and hide. I have to do the opposite. We went to the park, and a friend joined us. We watched the girls play, and we walked in the sun. A few hours later, when we returned home, I felt refreshed. I didn’t drink wine last night. I went to bed early, and had a good sleep. The noisy neighbour was at it early this morning. I had one coffee, made lunch, and we set off for the park again. It was glorious. So many friendly faces, hugs and smiles. A friend even brought her little pony for the kids to pat. I am changing everything at this point. If I continue on this trajectory, I will inevitably collapse. More early nights, and less commitments are required. I have to. It will mean saying “no” to things that are stretching my limits. It will mean more time in the sunshine and for spontaneous gatherings.
Two years ago, I did a free e-course for people with anxiety. I completed a questionnaire which was designed to advise how far I had come.
‘Dear Raphaela,
Thank you again for your ongoing support of this important research – we really appreciate your time and benefit from your support.
We are pleased to say that the questionnaires you completed indicate that your symptoms have reduced since you first completed the questionnaires more than 24 months ago. Specifically, your symptoms of both panic and low mood have reduced by more than 70% and are now in the low to non-clinical ranges. We appreciate that the questionnaires do not always reflect people’s experiences, but these are good improvements to have made and maintained – we hope they are reflected in improvements in your wellbeing.’
I am never going back to how I felt as a young person; to how I felt two years ago. I wont. I do have work to do, and life does get busy, but I am going to cease pushing myself to the brink. It leaves no time for joy and happen-chance. I am going to walk in the sun, and we are going to play most days. I will find time. If emails go unanswered, if my phone gets switched off, so be it. I will snatch back time.
I have to retrain my nervous system and my brain. I have to learn how to breathe again. I have to understand that caffeine is lovely provided its one cup a day. I have to stop using alcohol to make me feel comfortable socially and to drown out the panic which overtakes me at night. They are only habits, and a habit can be changed.
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Abba, Lolo Lovina, Red Wine and Rainbows
The week that was…
My daughter played Titania in a Midsummer Nights Dream. She loved the experience and wants to do more acting! I was very proud of her.
I took my daughter to see Inside Out, a spectacular film, which addresses depression. It illustrates how a young person can break down and also be rebuilt. Afterward, we had a few chores to see to. As I walked through the shopping centre, I started to stumble. I had an horrific pain through my left foot, shooting up my leg and into my spine. This was annoying, as I usually have that sort of pain on my right side. There I was, holding onto a trolley, my daughter gently guiding both it and I. I met a friend, who saw that I was in agony. She had just been to the post office to pick up a box filled with wine from the Margaret River region. She handed me a bottle of red, of which I am immensely grateful. I managed to get home, poured myself a glass and lay down. New symptoms added to the mix shake things up. At least its a change to the pathways of pain!
We went on a cruise around Sydney Harbor Friday night. My daughter loves Abba, and was delighted with the tribute band.
Here is an excellent article on the machinations of PTSD. I found myself nodding in agreement throughout.
Saturday night, we went to Marrickville Town hall, to a Masquerade Balkan Beats Ball. The divine Rroma Gypsy fusion band, Lolo Lovina got us all up dancing.
My daughter went for it on the dance floor, enthralled with the frantic beat and unencumbered joy. When life is rough and you are tired and in pain, my suggestion is get yourself along to a festival. Go for a walk. Shake up your world.
We saw a lot of rainbows on the internet, and it filled me with joy! Things can change and advance, yay!
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Once a Victim, now a Survivor
I am incredibly touched that Gentle Kindness nominated me for the Once a Victim Now a Survivor Award.
This award is for those who have gone through mental illness of any kind, abuse, trauma, and especially PTSD. Here are the rules:
- Thank the blogger that nominated you
- Nominate 5 – 10 bloggers to pass the award to
- Post questions for your nominees to answer (you may use the same as these below)
- Inform your nominees and post a comment in their blog to let them know they’ve been nominated
Here are the questions for my nominees. Feel free to skip any questions that you want to skip. You can fill in your own questions as you feel appropriate.
1. In what ways do you feel that blogging can help people with psychological trauma or mental illness?
Most definitely! It gives you a platform to not only articulate your experience and feelings, but also to educate.
2. How has blogging helped you with your healing, or your personal journey?
Being able to tell my story has been invaluable, and the messages of support I have received are incredibly uplifting. We are a real community! I certainly feel validated.
3. What books, movies, or YouTube channels would you recommend to someone with a similar background to you?
I have written a book called Lived to Tell. It details what occurred, and most importantly, how I came back from hell. It has a happy ending! People placed bets that I wouldn’t live to fifteen, and now I am a grown woman. That still makes me shake my head in wonder! My worst day now pales when compared to my worst days then.
Here are my Nominees:
There are so many others, and you all deserve this award. Please put it up if you would like to.
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Dinosaurs and Keeping up with the Holsbys
The beautiful Danielle of Keeping up with the Holsbys sent me an email, notifying me that we were the lucky winners of four tickets to Erth’s Dinosaur Zoo at the Riverside Theatre, Parramatta. My daughter thought of inviting her young friend, Ben. He had a nasty fall at the playground and broke his arm so badly that he needed immediate surgery. She considered that it would be his bravery award. The Riverside Theatre is in a glorious spot in Parramatta, the lights from the theatre twinkling in the river, like water sprites beckoning to you. Erths Dinosaur Zoo was an amazing show, and the kids roared with laughter and gasped in amazement at the dinosaur’s they saw. The babies were so cute!
It was an interactive experience and the children engaged with the lifelike puppets. One brave kid even agreed to put her head in a dinosaur’s mouth! A huge thankyou to Danielle and the Riverside Theatre for gifting us the tickets. I don’t know who had the most fun, the kids or mums! There are some fantastic productions coming up at The Riverside Theatre. Click on the link to see their website, and pay a visit to Keeping Up with the Holsbys for honest, entertaining and heart-rending content. Winning a competition shakes up your world a bit. There you are, ensconced in the everyday minutiae of living, and a lovely surprise lands at your door. It is a reminder that life can be thrilling indeed.
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Ten Ways to Help Yourself During a Flashback
Many people in my circle would probably be surprised to know that I have PTSD. They would be surprised at its ferocity and how hard I have had to work to have a semblance of normality. It hasn’t been easy! There was years of involuntary shaking when the telephone rang or someone knocked at the door. I would have to talk myself into venturing to the letterbox. I rarely went out alone. I can suffer flashbacks pretty easily, especially in social settings. You are out of your comfort zone and when a “red zone” topic comes up in conversation, I can literally feel my body tense and my brain react. I will sometimes feel welded to the seat, unable to move and get away. Sometimes I look placid and I smile. I have covered up my terror with gulps of wine, but when I get home, the horror hits. It can take weeks to get my equilibrium back. When a group of people start talking about the horror in the news and such, I usually think “there goes two weeks of sleep.”
I began to think that there had to be a better way than to nurse a flute of champagne (well, actually several), to take away my discomfort. There had to be a better way than to stay glued to my seat, listening to horrifying opinions on deeply upsetting topics.
Here is how I cope.
1. Remembering that I am here, not there. I have a little piece of paper that I pull out of my purse. You are here, not there, it reads. I find it deeply assuring when I am feeling myself pulled back into the trauma of the past.
2. I will immediately excuse myself. Whether that be from a conversation or a shop where music is being played that reminds me of the past. I will find a quiet area (usually the bathroom), and concentrate on my breathing.
3. I will watch my diet. Grabbing crackers and dips at a party will not do. A balanced diet is necessary. When I was at my worst, it was found I wasn’t absorbing B12 and needed shots. The difference was quite incredible. Bananas and other foods high in the amino acid Tryptophan are also helpful.
4. I am allowed to state that I am uncomfortable. If the people are unaware, I am allowed to state what my past looked like.
5. I need to have adequate rest. The PTSD (which involves nightmares, flashbacks and panic attacks), escalates if I am rushing from one thing to another.
6. On certain dates, I need space. I wont commit to anything on the anniversary of my fall, for instance. It is a time of reflection, grief and also celebration that I survived. It is a deeply personal time.
7. I take a bottle of Rescue Remedy and lavender essential oil with me in my bag. The act of sniffing them -or putting the Rescue Remedy on my tongue- snaps me back to the present.
8. I carry a photo of my daughter with me and take it out and look at her smiling face. The joy contained in the picture helps me to centre. It could be a picture of a pet. Whatever helps you.
9. I wont over-imbibe. The crash that comes afterward emotionally is devastating.
10. I can leave. Wow! I now give myself permission to leave! If the vibe is going South and the conversation is awful, I can leave.
It is a hard thing to live with. Sometimes the past can seem clearer than now. Every detail is etched into my memory, and doesn’t fade with time. Sights, sounds, smells, touch and taste can take me back. No wonder it happens a fair bit! The most important thing is that I show myself kindness. I need regular time to myself to process what I am feeling, and what I have heard. In a week, people can talk about murder, sexual abuse, child abduction, and crime movies/novels many times over. It sticks to my skin, like they have gone mad with a labeller. I go out to nature and breathe. I need silence to oppose the noise in my mind.
I had an experience the other day, whilst visiting a school on the other side of our city. I saw a lady sitting by herself. Her eyes showed abject terror, her body language stiff and self-protective. She was waiting to pick up her kids. I sat with her, and we started talking. She talked about a man from her childhood, a member of her family. “He was too friendly,” she whispered. Her eyes met mine. She knew I knew and I knew that she knew that I knew. I told her how sorry I was. So very sorry. I hope she is treated kindly in her adult life. You don’t “get over” some experiences, but you can live beautifully despite them.
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Freestyle Writing Challenge
The glorious Judy of Edwina’s Episodes has nominated me for the Freestyle Writing Challenge.
Here are the rules:
1. Open a blank document.
2. Set a stop watch timer to 5 or 10 minutes, whichever length you prefer.
3. Your topic is at the foot of this post BUT DO NOT SCROLL DOWN TO SEE IT UNTIL YOU ARE READY WITH YOUR TIMER!!!
4. Once you start writing do not stop until the alarm sounds! Do not cheat by going back and correcting spelling and grammar using spell check (it is only meant for you to reflect on your own control of sensible thought flow and for you to reflect on your ability to write with correct spelling and grammar.)
5. You may or may not pay attention to punctuation or capitals
6. At the end of your post write down the number of words to give an idea of how much you can write within the time Frame.
7. Put the whole document onto your post and nominate 5 others and give them a new topic. Remember to copy paste the rules in!
My topic is: What music gets you up on the dance floor?
Tremulously I stood. Dancing is hard when you use a walking stick, though not impossible. I do a little jig on the perimeter of the throng, and feel the music. A rigid spine made out of hip and ribs cant stop the connection. The songs that get me up on the dance floor? Songs from my younger years. Battle-cries of defiance and rebellion. Though I am flesh and blood and can be wounded, you wont break me. Pat Benatar and Bruce Springsteen, Madonna and Cyndi Lauper are amongst the artists I will dance for. They do their thing as autonomous humans, undefined by social norms and generic expectations. They sing of love and pain, of anger and joy. Their music is knitted into the fabric of my soul. I get up every time, and dance my clumsy dance.
Words: 140
I nominate:
My Question is, What fills you with joy?
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The Creative Blogger Award
The wonderful Erika nominated me for The Creative Blogger Award! Thankyou very much, my friend!
Here are the rules:
* Display the Creative Blogger Award logo on your blog
* Nominate 15-20 blogs and notify all nominees via their social media/blogs
* Thank and post the link of the blog that nominated you (very important)
* Share 5 random facts about yourself to your readers
* Pass these rules on to them
Seven Random Facts About Me:
1. I am shrinking with age. My last bone density scan showed I have lost 2cm in height!
2. One of my favourite meals is steamed vegetables with chilli beans and cheese. I also love Indian and Italian food. A vegetarian can always find something yummy to eat!
3. I can’t resist anything covered in sparkles, or that is shiny and/or glittery!
4. I want to create more art when I grow up (I don’t like the odds, seeing as I am shrinking)!
5. I can’t stand ironing and buy clothes that don’t require it when I can. I don’t understand ironing at all!
6. My lavender scones are the stuff of legend and the aroma of the lavender flowers streaming from the oven is heavenly.
7. I love gift baskets and buy far too many at fetes!
I Nominate:
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Free Style Writing Challenge
The wondrous Josefine has nominated me for the Freestyle Writing Challenge.
The rules:
- open a blank document
- set a stop watch timer to 5 or 10 minutes, whichever length you prefer
- your topic is at the foot of this post BUT DO NOT SCROLL DOWN TO SEE IT UNTIL YOU ARE READY WITH YOUR TIMER!!!
- once you start writing do not stop until the alarm sounds!
- do not cheat by going back and correcting spelling and grammar using spell check (it is only meant for you to reflect on your own control of sensible thought flow and for you to reflect on your ability to write with correct spelling and grammar.)
- you may or may not pay attention to punctuation or capitals
- at the end of your post write down the number of words to give an idea of how much you can write within the time Frame
- put the whole document onto your post and nominate 5 others and give them a new topic. Remember to copy paste the rules in!
Milk.
Building bones and knitting cells, milk is a pure white food. It’s the stuff of cheeses and ice cream, milkshakes and cream. There is something about pouring it out of a milk jug and into my cup of tea that is contemplative, like having my own tea ceremony. Reinforcing our scaffolding, making us stronger. As delicate as a snowflake, as porous as a sponge.
63 Words in 5 minutes.
Should you wish to take part, I nominate you all!
The subject is rain.
RAPHAELA ANGELOU 