My spiritual home is Ashfield Uniting Church, always has and will be. There are times when I don’t know what I believe anymore, and yet I gravitate back to Ashfield. People speak their mind here. It is gritty and real and full of love. The sermon was about celebration, and understanding that there is something to be thankful for every day. It may a rainbow appearing overhead or the breath in your lungs. At morning tea, Bill put on an Australian Story from 16 years ago. He stood to the side of the hall as the matriarchs of the church appeared on-screen. He watched as Speakers Corner in The Domain (a lively corner of Sydney in the 60’s),sprang to life. Pictures of him as a young engineer were presented. Here he was, in his 20’s, minding his own business, when he had an epiphany. He left it all behind to live and work in The Cross. I had tears. I remembered watching the show all those years ago, and deciding that I needed to go to this church, to meet him.
He also showed us a 7.30 Report segment on the literacy program. I can’t adequately describe how it felt to watch children who had been discounted and neglected by our educational system come back to life. They were beaming, their shoulders back and heads held high at their graduation ceremonies. This program has changed their lives and futures. It is being extended to Liverpool in the near future. Bill was there when I went into premature labour with my daughter at twenty weeks. He sat by my bedside and celebrated when the rupture in my waters sealed and the contractions stopped. He was among the first in the maternity ward when she arrived safely at 36 weeks. He held her and prayed over her.
Here, they do real. They argue and get cranky, and cry and laugh. Your life can be in ruins and you can be dishevelled and you will still be loved. That makes it a rare and special place. To donate or find out more, head to Bill Crews’ website.
A friend had a stand at a wedding expo and asked if I could give her a hand. Now I know nothing about wedding expos, other than that they have never been my cup of tea. I can’t even stand trying on clothes or shoes before buying them! My idea of a heavenly wedding would be to grab a colourful dress and shoes, and quickly organize flowers and a bespoke cake and voila! My friend is a baker and makes the most beautiful cakes imaginable. Rather than using fondant, she uses organic and locally sourced produce, such as honey, berries and flowers. She makes her cakes affordable, and also does baked donuts, created with coconut oil.
I offered cake tastings to prospective brides and their families. I met scores of radiant couples, their parents and friends proudly by their sides. I thought it may be confronting, to see a way of being that I hadn’t experienced. Instead, it filled my heart. I am glad that some young women and men have this sense of belonging and security, I really am. There was only one occasion where I felt like pleading with the bloke to do a runner. “I plan on being the biggest bitch,” a bride smirked, promising to be a horror in the lead up to her wedding. Her mother laughed delightedly at the prospect.
I bumped into an old acquaintance and she asked if I had seen a mutual friend. “No, I haven’t,” I replied. “She became a real hermit,” the woman replied. “I think the disconnect was caused by the cult she belongs to… Remember all the crap they taught? She used to go to all their classes,” I said. I went into quite the diatribe about this silly cult with its silly teachings, and how I worried about this friend. The woman paused and then said quite sternly, “I still attend all their classes.” Oops! At least she wont be pushing their teachings onto me!
I have attended a wedding expo now. It wasn’t as grim as I feared. Far from it. I saw young women about to be married for the first time, and older ladies who had found their true love at last. It was a local expo, filled with local characters. Quite the organic day, really. It wasn’t about grandiose displays; rather the couples were seeking symbols to represent who they are as individuals and who they shall be when married. I wish them all well, particularly the fellow marrying the bridezilla!
4 Year Old Adult has nominated me for the Dragons Loyalty Award. Thankyou very much for this honour!
Here are the rules:
1.Thank the giver and link their blog to your post.
2.Pass the award on to other bloggers of your choice and let them know that they have been nominated.
3.List 7 facts about yourself.
Here Goes!
1. I am caught between being an extrovert and somebody incapacitated by fear of social settings.
2. I have been creating a mandala each night, and have been amazed by what has come up. It’s interesting to look at a few week’s worth and see what has popped out of my brain!
3. I wake up each night at 3am. I usually read and think before having a light sleep again for an hour or so.
4. I love riding the red double-decker bus around Sydney with my daughter. I turn the phone off and relax.
5. I love good coffee and fine wines, preferably with a harpist playing at a lovely venue.
6. I love photographs and feel a little overwhelmed that I now have a few year’s worth to print off! Digital photography has made the taking of pictures easy. Too easy!
7. I am eccentric, though only in my routine, diet, dress sense, hair, way of thinking and decorating. I love people who stand out as individuals.
I nominate the following: Corina Wonder of My Worlds
A friend texted me the other day, and insisted on seeing me. “When are you free today?” he had written. I felt a pain in my chest, knowing I would be flitting from one activity to another, and then another. Then, a smattering of light hit the quagmire, and I replied, “I have an hour whilst L is at a class.” We sat down and conversed, he with green tea, and me with a strong coffee. It was my fifth of the day. He could see I was overwhelmed and questioned all that I forced myself to fit into a day. He was concerned. It was enough for me to be taken aback and review what I was doing. Home schooling my daughter, I was trying to be all things to her. Teacher, mum, social planner, and many more aside. I was trying to please all the people in my world, keep my commitments, and generally be functional. I had around thirty texts a day and around a thousand emails to answer. I was exhausted.
There was no time to eat lunch, no time to change hormone patches, no time to see a doctor or exercise… Hell, there was barely enough time to down more caffeine! I had been feeling as though I were heading for a nervous collapse. Deadlines for articles and deadlines I put on myself. Put in a noisy neighbour who compromised my sleep… I would wake up and have to down two coffees. I would sit on the couch shaking with anxiety, filled with dread at all I had to do. I had to keep everyone happy. Sometimes I would hyperventilate and my stomach would churn. When you have so much to do that you don’t know where to start… My friend was right, and I acknowledged the wisdom of his observation. “I use business as an avoidance tool,” I replied. If I am busy, I can’t feel lonely. If I am busy, my physical pain is ignored. If I am busy, I don’t have time to feel the sorrow, depression and anger.
If I am busy, I can avoid my social anxiety. I don’t quite know where I fit in, and if people actually want to see me. I don’t call friends out of fear of rejection. I am unsure of my place in friend’s lives. I am scared. Thus, I drink coffee of a day, run around like a mad thing, and drink wine at night to come down off my adrenaline rush. The wine brings me down, way down. I go to bed, sleep for a few hours, wake up with a dry mouth and start again. It has to stop. My friend held up a mirror, and I saw the truth. I had no spaces in my life. None. I have to let go of control.
The school holidays began, and I vowed to not over-commit. A new playground opened around the corner, and I set off with my daughter. It felt wrong, and I had a panic attack. I felt guilt that I wasn’t doing things at home. That was a big indicator that I needed to do this, immediately. When depression hits, it hits in a big and scary way, like a tsunami of churned-up emotions. It tells me to stay home and hide. I have to do the opposite. We went to the park, and a friend joined us. We watched the girls play, and we walked in the sun. A few hours later, when we returned home, I felt refreshed. I didn’t drink wine last night. I went to bed early, and had a good sleep. The noisy neighbour was at it early this morning. I had one coffee, made lunch, and we set off for the park again. It was glorious. So many friendly faces, hugs and smiles. A friend even brought her little pony for the kids to pat. I am changing everything at this point. If I continue on this trajectory, I will inevitably collapse. More early nights, and less commitments are required. I have to. It will mean saying “no” to things that are stretching my limits. It will mean more time in the sunshine and for spontaneous gatherings.
Two years ago, I did a free e-course for people with anxiety. I completed a questionnaire which was designed to advise how far I had come.
‘Dear Raphaela,
Thank you again for your ongoing support of this important research – we really appreciate your time and benefit from your support.
We are pleased to say that the questionnaires you completed indicate that your symptoms have reduced since you first completed the questionnaires more than 24 months ago. Specifically, your symptoms of both panic and low mood have reduced by more than 70% and are now in the low to non-clinical ranges. We appreciate that the questionnaires do not always reflect people’s experiences, but these are good improvements to have made and maintained – we hope they are reflected in improvements in your wellbeing.’
I am never going back to how I felt as a young person; to how I felt two years ago. I wont. I do have work to do, and life does get busy, but I am going to cease pushing myself to the brink. It leaves no time for joy and happen-chance. I am going to walk in the sun, and we are going to play most days. I will find time. If emails go unanswered, if my phone gets switched off, so be it. I will snatch back time.
L cloud-busting
I have to retrain my nervous system and my brain. I have to learn how to breathe again. I have to understand that caffeine is lovely provided its one cup a day. I have to stop using alcohol to make me feel comfortable socially and to drown out the panic which overtakes me at night. They are only habits, and a habit can be changed.
My daughter played Titania in a Midsummer Nights Dream. She loved the experience and wants to do more acting! I was very proud of her.
I took my daughter to see Inside Out, a spectacular film, which addresses depression. It illustrates how a young person can break down and also be rebuilt. Afterward, we had a few chores to see to. As I walked through the shopping centre, I started to stumble. I had an horrific pain through my left foot, shooting up my leg and into my spine. This was annoying, as I usually have that sort of pain on my right side. There I was, holding onto a trolley, my daughter gently guiding both it and I. I met a friend, who saw that I was in agony. She had just been to the post office to pick up a box filled with wine from the Margaret River region. She handed me a bottle of red, of which I am immensely grateful. I managed to get home, poured myself a glass and lay down. New symptoms added to the mix shake things up. At least its a change to the pathways of pain!
Should I get a device that turns zucchini into spaghetti? Hang on, I have one but have never used it!
We went on a cruise around Sydney Harbor Friday night. My daughter loves Abba, and was delighted with the tribute band.
Anzac Bridge, Sydney
Here is an excellent article on the machinations of PTSD. I found myself nodding in agreement throughout.
Saturday night, we went to Marrickville Town hall, to a Masquerade Balkan Beats Ball. The divine Rroma Gypsy fusion band, Lolo Lovina got us all up dancing.
My daughter went for it on the dance floor, enthralled with the frantic beat and unencumbered joy. When life is rough and you are tired and in pain, my suggestion is get yourself along to a festival. Go for a walk. Shake up your world.
We saw a lot of rainbows on the internet, and it filled me with joy! Things can change and advance, yay!
I am incredibly touched that Gentle Kindness nominated me for the Once a Victim Now a Survivor Award.
This award is for those who have gone through mental illness of any kind, abuse, trauma, and especially PTSD. Here are the rules:
Thank the blogger that nominated you
Nominate 5 – 10 bloggers to pass the award to
Post questions for your nominees to answer (you may use the same as these below)
Inform your nominees and post a comment in their blog to let them know they’ve been nominated
Here are the questions for my nominees. Feel free to skip any questions that you want to skip. You can fill in your own questions as you feel appropriate.
1. In what ways do you feel that blogging can help people with psychological trauma or mental illness?
Most definitely! It gives you a platform to not only articulate your experience and feelings, but also to educate.
2. How has blogging helped you with your healing, or your personal journey?
Being able to tell mystory has been invaluable, and the messages of support I have received are incredibly uplifting. We are a real community! I certainly feel validated.
3. What books, movies, or YouTube channels would you recommend to someone with a similar background to you?
I have written a book calledLived to Tell. It details what occurred,and most importantly, how I came back from hell. It has a happy ending! People placed bets that I wouldn’t live to fifteen, and now I am a grown woman. That still makes me shake my head in wonder! My worst day now pales when compared to my worst days then.
The beautiful Danielle of Keeping up with the Holsbys sent me an email, notifying me that we were the lucky winners of four tickets to Erth’s Dinosaur Zoo at the Riverside Theatre, Parramatta. My daughter thought of inviting her young friend, Ben. He had a nasty fall at the playground and broke his arm so badly that he needed immediate surgery. She considered that it would be his bravery award. The Riverside Theatre is in a glorious spot in Parramatta, the lights from the theatre twinkling in the river, like water sprites beckoning to you. Erths Dinosaur Zoo was an amazing show, and the kids roared with laughter and gasped in amazement at the dinosaur’s they saw. The babies were so cute!
Photo by Jeni NagyPhoto by Jeni Nagy
It was an interactive experience and the children engaged with the lifelike puppets. One brave kid even agreed to put her head in a dinosaur’s mouth! A huge thankyou to Danielle and the Riverside Theatre for gifting us the tickets. I don’t know who had the most fun, the kids or mums! There are some fantastic productions coming up at The Riverside Theatre. Click on the link to see their website, and pay a visit to Keeping Up with the Holsbys for honest, entertaining and heart-rending content. Winning a competition shakes up your world a bit. There you are, ensconced in the everyday minutiae of living, and a lovely surprise lands at your door. It is a reminder that life can be thrilling indeed.
The glorious Judy of Edwina’s Episodes has nominated me for the Freestyle Writing Challenge.
Here are the rules:
1. Open a blank document.
2. Set a stop watch timer to 5 or 10 minutes, whichever length you prefer.
3. Your topic is at the foot of this post BUT DO NOT SCROLL DOWN TO SEE IT UNTIL YOU ARE READY WITH YOUR TIMER!!!
4. Once you start writing do not stop until the alarm sounds! Do not cheat by going back and correcting spelling and grammar using spell check (it is only meant for you to reflect on your own control of sensible thought flow and for you to reflect on your ability to write with correct spelling and grammar.)
5. You may or may not pay attention to punctuation or capitals
6. At the end of your post write down the number of words to give an idea of how much you can write within the time Frame.
7. Put the whole document onto your post and nominate 5 others and give them a new topic. Remember to copy paste the rules in!
My topic is: What music gets you up on the dance floor?
Tremulously I stood. Dancing is hard when you use a walking stick, though not impossible. I do a little jig on the perimeter of the throng, and feel the music. A rigid spine made out of hip and ribs cant stop the connection. The songs that get me up on the dance floor? Songs from my younger years. Battle-cries of defiance and rebellion. Though I am flesh and blood and can be wounded, you wont break me. Pat Benatar and Bruce Springsteen, Madonna and Cyndi Lauper are amongst the artists I will dance for. They do their thing as autonomous humans, undefined by social norms and generic expectations. They sing of love and pain, of anger and joy. Their music is knitted into the fabric of my soul. I get up every time, and dance my clumsy dance.
The wonderful Erika nominated me for The Creative Blogger Award! Thankyou very much, my friend!
Here are the rules:
* Display the Creative Blogger Award logo on your blog
* Nominate 15-20 blogs and notify all nominees via their social media/blogs
* Thank and post the link of the blog that nominated you (very important)
* Share 5 random facts about yourself to your readers
* Pass these rules on to them
Seven Random Facts About Me:
1.I am shrinking with age. My last bone density scan showed I have lost 2cm in height!
2. One of my favourite meals is steamed vegetables with chilli beans and cheese. I also love Indian and Italian food. A vegetarian can always find something yummy to eat!
3. I can’t resist anything covered in sparkles, or that is shiny and/or glittery!
4. I want to create more art when I grow up (I don’t like the odds, seeing as I am shrinking)!
5. I can’t stand ironing and buy clothes that don’t require it when I can. I don’t understand ironing at all!
6. My lavender scones are the stuff of legend and the aroma of the lavender flowers streaming from the oven is heavenly.
7. I love gift baskets and buy far too many at fetes!
RAPHAELA ANGELOU 
