#ProjectPositive, September 27th. Personality.

September 26, 2014December 30, 2014 raphaela992 Comments

The lady who helped reconstruct my life was an elderly Welsh doctor. She was a child therapist, who had been awarded an Order of Australia for her work with abused children. Over three years, she watched me grow, and shake off my demons. Looking at me intently, she remarked, “I thought you were irretrievably broken when I first encountered you. You have proved me wrong.” In my medical notes, a letter she had written to my orthopaedic surgeon was wedged between the pages. ‘I cannot say thankyou for referring this young woman to me, for managing her will be an overwhelming task.’ It wasn’t just this wonderful lady who had her misgivings. How often do we hear that when a tragedy befalls a person that they shall never get over it? At times I was afraid that I was irretrievably broken. Being a rebel, it became another tag to defy. I was not damaged beyond repair. We have a doll factory in Sydney, where even the most delicate porcelain dolls who have had faces fractured and limbs ripped off, can be put back together. If an inanimate object can be repaired, surely flesh and blood and heart can be too?

I firmly believe that your personality is gifted to you, and has nothing to do with your upbringing. You are a part of a tribe, but you are also an individual, here to shine in your own way. I look at my daughter, who has always been full of energy, stubbornness and humour. She has a pixie flitting around her soul, and it holds her in good stead. She has had her challenges and has seen me go through mine. She is made of strong stuff. I believe you grow into your personality. At first it can seem an odd fit for a little body, but as you grow, your essence makes more sense. If anyone-including an esteemed expert-ever dares to profess that you are irretrievably broken, don’t you believe it. Prove them wrong. Your personality is beyond what cruelty can damage. They can’t take it from you, nor reduce it long-term.

#ProjectPositive, September 26th. Fantastic!

September 25, 2014December 30, 2014 raphaela99Leave a comment

10641272_833948939972286_2017767457334156306_n — **Art and About, Sydney**

Fantastic is a great word! It conjures up joy and excitement. What is fantastic about your life right now? I have fantastic people in my life. My life is crazy-busy, and I just wish I had more time to see everyone. One-on-one time is special, as are chance meetings and impromptu gatherings. I have friends who have major health issues. It is fantastic that they have the tenacity to leave their beds and take on the world. I am left in awe.

Fantastic is a child with learning challenges, persisting and fighting and never giving in. Fantastic is seeing the pride when something clicks. Fantastic is watching my child’s singing teacher, instruct my daughter as to how to use sign language, and having my child learn the whole alphabet in fifteen minutes. Witnessing the birth of a new talent, that is fantastic.

Fantastic is a work of art, that just pops up on a city street, organic and thought-provoking. Fantastic is having friends to share it with and the art becoming interactive. Fantastic is love and colour and beauty, found in the most pedestrian of places.

Fantastic is running away for a day at the beach with friend’s.

Fantastic is the feeling of hearing my little bird’s sing, holding our guinea pigs, and stroking my child’s hair. Isnt it interesting that when you think of fantastic, it rarely involves money or grandiosity? Available to everyone, at anytime. Music, libraries, art, love, hope. Fantastic!

#ProjectPositive, September 25th. Celebrate.

September 24, 2014September 24, 2014 raphaela99Leave a comment

For someone who loves parties, I am unsure of having them for myself. When I left home, imprinted in my soul was a dread of celebratory occasions such as birthdays and Christmas. They would be spoiled, a combination of family tension building up, alcohol and drugs, expectations not met and complete exhaustion. My last big party was when I was thirteen, and in some ways, it has felt as though time stopped there. I forgot how to celebrate. I didn’t dare expect hurrah’s. My sixteenth birthday was spent down the coast, after the police advised their fear that the man who threw me off the building would come and get me. He had said he would. So I bought myself a book, and made myself a banana sandwich for my 16th birthday. My seventeenth birthday was spent alone, in my little room. I recall I studied. I felt unloved and as though I were a phantom, touching the perimeter of the living, though never quite making contact. There was no school formal, no 18th or 21st birthdays. I felt as though I wasn’t worth the effort. Grand celebrations happened to other people, not me. My birthdays were always low-key. You know what? I am tired of playing down my life. The biggest celebration I had was my book launch. I was so nervous, though when I saw the familiar, precious faces assembled, the nerves went away. I was safe amongst this crowd. They were here for me.

Next birthday, I may organize a dinner. I may organize to celebrate this wild and precious life in style. I may celebrate with a heart full of thankfulness for the life I have been given, the life left to live. No longer content to play small and hide occasions which should be celebrated. It will no longer do.

#ProjectPositive, September 24th. Hidden Talent.

September 23, 2014December 30, 2014 raphaela99Leave a comment

This one is hard! Why do we find it difficult to uncover our hidden talents? I have been shortlisted for awards, such as in the Bobby Goldsmith greeting card competition. I love art! Correspondence School was situated in William St, Kings Cross, and I visited several times during the year to meet up with my teachers and attend mini-schools. Some of the kids were from the country or had health issues, and others were teenage mums. The teachers were offbeat, kind and loving. There was actually a battle over whether I would become an artist or writer amongst the English and Art departments! To a kid who had previously been told she was stupid, that was quite a coup! My art teacher would meet me at the NSW Art Gallery, and send me charcoal and pastels whilst I recovered from surgeries, and my English teacher would come out and visit me, complete with the classics. I have dabbled in art ever since, producing individualized booklets for people, creating and painting ceramics, and selling my paintings. Writing has taken over. It is a ravenous angel, saving me, though taking up the lion’s share of my time. I feel art beckoning, and I have a cluster of artists in my life, ready to assist me in continuing my journey when the time is right.

I am sensitive. Both a talent and curse. I can feel the energy in a room, the subtle pulses and zaps. People say they feel safe with me. If you tell me something in confidence, it will be taken to my grave. It hurts, to put yourself in other’s places… To feel what they endure. The rewards of sensitivity are worth the pain.

I love cooking feasts! There aren’t many in my household, so having people over is a treat. I used to cook quite a bit, and realize it’s time I started again. There is something delightful about cleaning your home, and making it fresh, setting the table and preparing food for those you love. It is a gift of thankfulness.

Another hidden talent is I believe in magic. I believe in fairies and wonder and beauty. I believe that people are mostly not only good, but kind and loving. I have been scalded by nasty women with vicious tongues, men with violence in their minds and hearts, and people who treat others as fodder. They have left their marks, but they can’t take my unadulterated knowing that most people are good, kind and loving. I have had strangers hold my hand, hug me as I cried, give me gifts and assist me.

I look forward to the future, knowing many other talents shall come to the fore.

Please Just Stop Trying to Make It Better – Part 1

September 23, 2014 raphaela991 Comment

I love this so much! It’s a natural tendency to try and make people feel better, but sometimes the best thing we can do is to sit with the person and their pain with empathy.

Ever Upward™

Because you can’t, sometimes things just can’t be fixed

I’m sad.

Just cheer up, it will be okay!

I’m anxious.

Just take a deep breath and calm down.

I’m angry.

Just count to 10 or walk away.

We’re having trouble getting pregnant.

Just adopt! Just relax! Just stopping trying!

We think these above statements are empathy. But, really they are pity filled sympathetic responses to provide that quick fix; our attempt to try to make it better.

It seems like empathy skills are missing for a lot of us. We aren’t taught how to be empathic and, I think, we even sometimes think we would rather have sympathy than empathy.

Sympathy is I feel for you; pity.

Empathy is I feel with you; I get it.

A think a major confusion is that we are mistaken in thinking that we must have gone through the exact same…

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#ProjectPositive, September 23rd. Best Things.

September 22, 2014 raphaela99Leave a comment

Some of the best things in my life:

**The joy of a child playing in water.**

10600512_829649970402183_3155501586201638896_n — **Fairy bread picnic my daughter set out. It cost me to partake!**

The best days happen when you aren’t expecting them, so keep your eyes open. I have often been on high-alert for bad stuff, the adrenaline corroding my soul like battery acid. I am tired of it. Wonderful things are happening right now, ready to make contact with me. The best things.

Rewarding Yourself Is A Good Thing

September 21, 2014 raphaela99Leave a comment

Love this. Remember, you matter too!

Cauldrons and Cupcakes

Image from The Christie Lodge

“The reward of a work is to have produced it; the reward of effort is to have grown by it.”
~ Antonin Sertillanges, The Intellectual Life: Its Spirit, Conditions, Methods
“To celebrate the production of the work and the personal growth created by the effort is a wonderful thing. Stopping to mark a personal achievement can be a defining and cherished moment, and yet it is a moment so often wasted in our hurry to get to the next goal.” ~ Nicole Cody

Many of my clients are high achievers. But many of them have something in common which makes me feel quite sad:

They never stop to celebrate their achievements!

I don’t just encourage celebrating when you achieve a goal. I actively encourage you to choose a future reward as you are starting out – something that you will gift yourself in return for completing that…

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#ProjectPositive, September 22nd. Flawed.

September 21, 2014December 30, 2014 raphaela99Leave a comment

Oh dear! I have plenty of these! Some can be blessings and have kept me glued together, such as my stubbornness. On the other hand, I can be a huge pain in the butt! I wont yield once I have made my mind up. It’s fun having my daughter reflect it back onto me!

I have been engineered to be a solitary creature. If I am dealing with a problem, grief, pain or depression, I will not seek out other people. Years of isolation can do that to a lady. I remember at one of the hospitals I was in, right before I was taken at fifteen, I looked wistfully on visitor’s day at the friends and family assembled. Bernadette, a hardened old boiler, saw me looking at the visitor’s. She took my hand and said, “never expect people to be there for you, honey. Be your best friend, and you will be happy.” I took her words to heart and shut down. I pretended it didn’t hurt when I was in the spinal unit for all those months, and I would see other patient’s with their visitor’s. I got used to sorting things out by myself. It collides with my stubbornness, making life pretty hard at times! I don’t want to bother people; I want to look like I know what the hell I am doing, even though I don’t. I can’t drive far, as my right leg seizes up, and the pain in my right arm and spine becomes unbearable after a while, so I do accept lifts sometimes. When I have reached out, I have chosen some dodgy characters. They have either gossiped about me behind my back, hurt me, or left me. It made me afraid to ever let myself be vulnerable again. I have to allow myself to be vulnerable, so I can teach my child that its okay to reach out. I heard her say to her friend the other day, “I know you are soft, and that’s okay, ’cause I have a soft heart too.” The young are so wise! I am not alone now. I just need to know my heart is in safe hands, and relay the information caught in my throat.

I loathe phones. I received hundreds of death threats, and developed a real phobia about them. I don’t like the feeling that most of the time you don’t know whom is on the other end. The unknown doesn’t do much for me. I much prefer texting and emails. That is where my comfort is. For a whimsical character, I don’t go much for the unscheduled and unpredictable. I am always ten minutes early to everything, and have my calendar filled a month or so in advance. I really need to chill out! Yes, chill out. I do need to chill. To allow myself more silliness, more free time, more relaxation. I need to speak out more, using my actual voice, and not hide myself, nor carry my burdens alone. It is time to let go. Flaws are fantastic for reminding you how far you have come, and what needs to be rescinded.

#ProjectPositive, September 21st. Beautiful.

September 20, 2014December 30, 2014 raphaela994 Comments

To me, beauty is:

10270139_750293921671122_1990180875_n — **Sydney**

10489653_793081947392319_4688436137394943390_n — **Art found by accident**

I was always told I was pretty, and it meant nothing to me. How could it? Every day I was being abused. Somebody thought I was so beautiful that they were intent on destroying me. I would rather have a beautiful life. I have worked hard to obtain such a life. Beauty is what leaves you gasping. Beauty is when my daughter held a dying man’s hand in palliative care when she was three years old, and bowed her little head as she said a prayer. You can’t script such a beautiful event. She just did it. Beautiful is how you feel when released from a body cast and have bathed your battered body. Beautiful is how you feel when someone compliments you and beautiful is how it feels when a friend embraces you. My child is an artist, compassionate, an animal lover, an environmentalist. She has a beautiful heart and a beautiful mind and a beautiful spirit. She would not like to be reduced to being “a pretty little girl,” and I am not awfully keen on reducing her! Beauty comprises so many facets, like a diamond. It is not one-dimensional, nor are we. I have a beautiful life, and that makes me feel beautiful indeed.

#ProjectPositive, September 20th. Love Myself.

September 19, 2014December 30, 2014 raphaela99Leave a comment

It’s rather interesting when a lady who has had eating disorders-and been abused in every way possible-becomes a mother. I had to have strategies in place for when this child came into the world. From a very young age, she was watching me. She adored me, and wanted to be just like mummy; say and do the things I did. Hmmm… I had to make it worth this kid’s while! After having her, I was hopping on the scales quite a bit. They had to go. I judged my weight on how my clothes fitted me, not on numbers. We go on nature walks, and work out our bones. Exercise and weight loss is never mentioned. We don’t comment on other people’s weight, nor our own. I found the terminology I used would have a direct impact on her. I jokingly remarked after finishing off a dessert, that I would get a pudgy tummy. The next thing I knew, she had a pincer grip on her stomach, evaluating if she was getting the same. Such responsibility lay on my shoulders. She asks why I wear makeup, and once again, I have to give a thoughtful response. “It’s not because mummy feels like she’s not good enough without it sweetheart,” I say. “I wear it because I love colour, and I see my face as a canvas.” Intent is everything. I affirm my worth in the mirror, and now she does the same. When you have a reinforced sense of self, society will find it hard to puncture you.

I can be a fashion disaster, and well, a disaster on many fronts. I love that about me too! I know that I am trying my best in every aspect of my life. What more can I expect? My purple hair is fading out, and I am going back to my natural colour. I felt a bit daggy regarding the tone of my hair, when a lady shrieked, “I love your hair! Who did it?” I smiled and relayed an $8 tube from the chemist. It’s all about perception isn’t it? I love the parts of me that get angry and self-destructive. I love the “flaws” in my body that make it unique. I have to convey this every single day so that by the time she is a teenager, my daughter will have it ingrained. If she wants to wear heels, dye her hair, put makeup on, I will always ask why. If it is to please herself, good. If it is to feel good enough for this world, I will whisper in her ear, “it’s unnecessary. You have already surpassed good enough.” As have you.