Please Just Stop Trying to Make It Better – Part 1

September 23, 2014 raphaela991 Comment

I love this so much! It’s a natural tendency to try and make people feel better, but sometimes the best thing we can do is to sit with the person and their pain with empathy.

Ever Upward™

Because you can’t, sometimes things just can’t be fixed

I’m sad.

Just cheer up, it will be okay!

I’m anxious.

Just take a deep breath and calm down.

I’m angry.

Just count to 10 or walk away.

We’re having trouble getting pregnant.

Just adopt! Just relax! Just stopping trying!

We think these above statements are empathy. But, really they are pity filled sympathetic responses to provide that quick fix; our attempt to try to make it better.

It seems like empathy skills are missing for a lot of us. We aren’t taught how to be empathic and, I think, we even sometimes think we would rather have sympathy than empathy.

Sympathy is I feel for you; pity.

Empathy is I feel with you; I get it.

A think a major confusion is that we are mistaken in thinking that we must have gone through the exact same…

View original post 1,363 more words

#ProjectPositive, September 23rd. Best Things.

September 22, 2014 raphaela99Leave a comment

Some of the best things in my life:

**The joy of a child playing in water.**

10600512_829649970402183_3155501586201638896_n — **Fairy bread picnic my daughter set out. It cost me to partake!**

The best days happen when you aren’t expecting them, so keep your eyes open. I have often been on high-alert for bad stuff, the adrenaline corroding my soul like battery acid. I am tired of it. Wonderful things are happening right now, ready to make contact with me. The best things.

Rewarding Yourself Is A Good Thing

September 21, 2014 raphaela99Leave a comment

Love this. Remember, you matter too!

Cauldrons and Cupcakes

Image from The Christie Lodge

“The reward of a work is to have produced it; the reward of effort is to have grown by it.”
~ Antonin Sertillanges, The Intellectual Life: Its Spirit, Conditions, Methods
“To celebrate the production of the work and the personal growth created by the effort is a wonderful thing. Stopping to mark a personal achievement can be a defining and cherished moment, and yet it is a moment so often wasted in our hurry to get to the next goal.” ~ Nicole Cody

Many of my clients are high achievers. But many of them have something in common which makes me feel quite sad:

They never stop to celebrate their achievements!

I don’t just encourage celebrating when you achieve a goal. I actively encourage you to choose a future reward as you are starting out – something that you will gift yourself in return for completing that…

View original post 819 more words

#ProjectPositive, September 22nd. Flawed.

September 21, 2014December 30, 2014 raphaela99Leave a comment

Oh dear! I have plenty of these! Some can be blessings and have kept me glued together, such as my stubbornness. On the other hand, I can be a huge pain in the butt! I wont yield once I have made my mind up. It’s fun having my daughter reflect it back onto me!

I have been engineered to be a solitary creature. If I am dealing with a problem, grief, pain or depression, I will not seek out other people. Years of isolation can do that to a lady. I remember at one of the hospitals I was in, right before I was taken at fifteen, I looked wistfully on visitor’s day at the friends and family assembled. Bernadette, a hardened old boiler, saw me looking at the visitor’s. She took my hand and said, “never expect people to be there for you, honey. Be your best friend, and you will be happy.” I took her words to heart and shut down. I pretended it didn’t hurt when I was in the spinal unit for all those months, and I would see other patient’s with their visitor’s. I got used to sorting things out by myself. It collides with my stubbornness, making life pretty hard at times! I don’t want to bother people; I want to look like I know what the hell I am doing, even though I don’t. I can’t drive far, as my right leg seizes up, and the pain in my right arm and spine becomes unbearable after a while, so I do accept lifts sometimes. When I have reached out, I have chosen some dodgy characters. They have either gossiped about me behind my back, hurt me, or left me. It made me afraid to ever let myself be vulnerable again. I have to allow myself to be vulnerable, so I can teach my child that its okay to reach out. I heard her say to her friend the other day, “I know you are soft, and that’s okay, ’cause I have a soft heart too.” The young are so wise! I am not alone now. I just need to know my heart is in safe hands, and relay the information caught in my throat.

I loathe phones. I received hundreds of death threats, and developed a real phobia about them. I don’t like the feeling that most of the time you don’t know whom is on the other end. The unknown doesn’t do much for me. I much prefer texting and emails. That is where my comfort is. For a whimsical character, I don’t go much for the unscheduled and unpredictable. I am always ten minutes early to everything, and have my calendar filled a month or so in advance. I really need to chill out! Yes, chill out. I do need to chill. To allow myself more silliness, more free time, more relaxation. I need to speak out more, using my actual voice, and not hide myself, nor carry my burdens alone. It is time to let go. Flaws are fantastic for reminding you how far you have come, and what needs to be rescinded.

#ProjectPositive, September 21st. Beautiful.

September 20, 2014December 30, 2014 raphaela994 Comments

To me, beauty is:

10270139_750293921671122_1990180875_n — **Sydney**

10489653_793081947392319_4688436137394943390_n — **Art found by accident**

I was always told I was pretty, and it meant nothing to me. How could it? Every day I was being abused. Somebody thought I was so beautiful that they were intent on destroying me. I would rather have a beautiful life. I have worked hard to obtain such a life. Beauty is what leaves you gasping. Beauty is when my daughter held a dying man’s hand in palliative care when she was three years old, and bowed her little head as she said a prayer. You can’t script such a beautiful event. She just did it. Beautiful is how you feel when released from a body cast and have bathed your battered body. Beautiful is how you feel when someone compliments you and beautiful is how it feels when a friend embraces you. My child is an artist, compassionate, an animal lover, an environmentalist. She has a beautiful heart and a beautiful mind and a beautiful spirit. She would not like to be reduced to being “a pretty little girl,” and I am not awfully keen on reducing her! Beauty comprises so many facets, like a diamond. It is not one-dimensional, nor are we. I have a beautiful life, and that makes me feel beautiful indeed.

#ProjectPositive, September 20th. Love Myself.

September 19, 2014December 30, 2014 raphaela99Leave a comment

It’s rather interesting when a lady who has had eating disorders-and been abused in every way possible-becomes a mother. I had to have strategies in place for when this child came into the world. From a very young age, she was watching me. She adored me, and wanted to be just like mummy; say and do the things I did. Hmmm… I had to make it worth this kid’s while! After having her, I was hopping on the scales quite a bit. They had to go. I judged my weight on how my clothes fitted me, not on numbers. We go on nature walks, and work out our bones. Exercise and weight loss is never mentioned. We don’t comment on other people’s weight, nor our own. I found the terminology I used would have a direct impact on her. I jokingly remarked after finishing off a dessert, that I would get a pudgy tummy. The next thing I knew, she had a pincer grip on her stomach, evaluating if she was getting the same. Such responsibility lay on my shoulders. She asks why I wear makeup, and once again, I have to give a thoughtful response. “It’s not because mummy feels like she’s not good enough without it sweetheart,” I say. “I wear it because I love colour, and I see my face as a canvas.” Intent is everything. I affirm my worth in the mirror, and now she does the same. When you have a reinforced sense of self, society will find it hard to puncture you.

I can be a fashion disaster, and well, a disaster on many fronts. I love that about me too! I know that I am trying my best in every aspect of my life. What more can I expect? My purple hair is fading out, and I am going back to my natural colour. I felt a bit daggy regarding the tone of my hair, when a lady shrieked, “I love your hair! Who did it?” I smiled and relayed an $8 tube from the chemist. It’s all about perception isn’t it? I love the parts of me that get angry and self-destructive. I love the “flaws” in my body that make it unique. I have to convey this every single day so that by the time she is a teenager, my daughter will have it ingrained. If she wants to wear heels, dye her hair, put makeup on, I will always ask why. If it is to please herself, good. If it is to feel good enough for this world, I will whisper in her ear, “it’s unnecessary. You have already surpassed good enough.” As have you.

#ProjectPositive, September 19th. Acheivements.

September 18, 2014 raphaela991 Comment

Achievements… Mine are not borne from the usual list. My goals were markedly different, and I celebrated achieving each and every one. I still get a thrill coursing through me at the thought of them.

Taking a bath. Do you know how it feels to finally be able to take a bath after four months in a spinal bed? Six months in a body cast? Once the temperature is just right, the feeling of sinking in, and having your body cleansed is pure bliss. I try to recollect it whenever I bathe. I want to feel grateful for such a simple pleasure.

Eating and drinking. Nasogastric tubes aren’t fun, nor is being tube fed. Being able to enjoy the pleasures of a good meal, and be able to enjoy a cool drink, that is an achievement.

Going to the letterbox. This is a definite achievement. There were years when I was paralysed by fear, and the thought of collecting the mail from the top of the driveway was unthinkable.

Taking a bus by myself to the IVF clinic. Doing IVF changed my world. I hadn’t ventured out by myself for years. I suddenly found myself requiring daily treatment at 7am in the morning. I didn’t drive at the time, so needed to walk thirty minutes to the bus stop. The longing for a child was stronger than my agoraphobia. Heart racing, I set off. I enjoyed the bus trip, and the feeling of independence. I didn’t tell the staff what had been achieved that day. It set in motion my return to a world I had effectively cut off from.

Walking. It took four months of twice-daily physio sessions whilst I was in the hospital to take a few steps. It took two years in a metal body brace, 24 hours a day. It took walking frames and physio sessions, daily for three years. Swimming sessions each morning, daily. It was bloody hard work. It hurt, a lot. When I wasn’t at physio, I was on an exercise bike, walking or using special pedals the physio gave me. Walking didn’t just happen. I am proud of that.

Having my book published. The majority of Lived to Tell was written when I was much younger, as it was happening. When that girl got the chance to see it in print, it was incredible! Keep a hold of your passions. You will find a way to see them through to fruition.

Being alive and functional. Once again, bloody hard work! Once I had decided I was worth the effort, I soared. There were times when the cheer squad was just me. That’s okay, I can be loud. I often forgot I actually had a body, which required food, water and to be cared for. I lived in my head, the body just an extraneous matter. I have had to learn to check in with myself regularly. “Been at the desk too long, Raph, time to stretch your legs.” Life is such a hard, ridiculous and profoundly beautiful thing. If you can’t see the beauty, things need to change. You need the right mix of people, plans to look forward to, and beautiful things to admire and absorb. Paintings, nature, books, movies, music. Surround yourself with that which brings you joy. You are worth so much! I could talk about my awards, but I won’t. The above is enough, more than enough. I am alive, and happy. It’s enough.

#Project Positive, September 18th. Surrounded by…

September 17, 2014December 30, 2014 raphaela99Leave a comment

My miracle IVF child, meeting my IVF doctor. Remarkably, they both had on furry vests!

I am surrounded by hope. When I got one follicle (most women doing IVF get at least six), my doctor didn’t say one negative thing. She knew the odds of this follicle containing an egg were minimal, but she also knew it was the best response I had received. I love this picture of her with my daughter, and I love that she tells the story of the lady with one follicle to give other’s hope.

I am surrounded by friends, strong and true. The sort of friends you can say anything to, and be assured your heart is safe. The sort of friends who are consistent in every way, and you can be ridiculously silly with. I have met them through every phase of my life. Some in ICU, internet IVF support groups, school, parties. Love them all.

I am surrounded by birds. I call out “birdie bedtime,” each evening, and tuck them in. Highly intelligent creatures, birds. I envy their ability to fly. Would have come in handy in my life!

I am surrounded by grace. Grace saved my life via blood transfusions. Grace saved my life on that cold winter’s night, as depicted on my body cast.

I am surrounded by love. Not the kind that is romantic in nature, with grand overtures. The kind that is eternal, ephemeral and takes you away from all the nonsense. This kind of love.

#ProjectPositive, September 17th. Good Vibes.

September 16, 2014December 30, 2014 raphaela99Leave a comment

Good vibes is having hundreds of fairies in the room, trying to break the world record!

Good vibes can be found in the most extraordinary places, and in the most unexpected ones. You have to be on the lookout for these wondrous moments. The morning after the fall, I was wheeled along to the Catscan machine, and screamed in pain as I was lifted by six people into it. Exhausted, I was laying on my trolley in the reception area, waiting to be taken back, when an older lady came up to me. She smiled and stroked my cheek. “You have beautiful skin, darling,” she said. When I looked in the mirror held up to my face later that day, I only saw a severely bruised face, cut lip, cracked head, and dry, matted blood throughout my hair. The lady had good vibes, and saw me, beyond all the detritus. That’s what these folks do, they spread their good vibes around, like warmed butter. They cut through pain, sorrow, and horrendous times. It’s a gift. They flit in and flit out, much like a hummingbird, searching for nectar.

Last Valentine's Day, my beautiful friend invited my daughter and I for dinner. — Last Valentine’s Day, my beautiful friend invited my daughter and I for dinner.

Each hospital trip, they have found me. I will never forget coming out of my coma at thirteen, being taken back to my ward after weeks in ICU. The kids who had witnessed the doctors trying to resuscitate me, had decorated the walls with artwork. We sometimes feel impotent when tragedy strikes a person. We may not have the money to send large floral displays or gifts. We feel like we may be intruding. I can assure you, it’s the little things that mean so much. The card received in the letterbox. The meal cooked with love whilst I have been recuperating. The kind messages on Facebook. The reassurance that you have people in your life who love you and shall be there.

A wall of good vibes at Yoko Ono's exhibition, MCA. — A wall of good vibes at Yoko Ono’s exhibition, MCA.

I try to get over feeling self-conscious when a stranger obviously requires good vibes. Whether it be a smile, a compliment or assistance with directions, it can make such a difference in someone’s day. I have read of occasions where it has saved lives. Sure, I come across the odd sourpuss who looks me up and down and refuses to smile. That’s okay. Who knows what is going on in their life, nor the ripple effect my greeting may have on them throughout the day? Some of the best results happen behind the scenes. Good vibes are everywhere. In the art installation in the park, in the flower stubbornly growing in a crack in the pavement. Everywhere, man!

My friend, sending good vibes to a Gorilla. — My friend, sending good vibes to a gorilla.

A brave pirate with my feisty daughter. More good vibes!

Hummingbird

September 16, 2014 raphaela99Leave a comment

LIVING IN THIS MOMENT

The hummingbird symbolizes the enjoyment of life and lightness of being. This fascinating bird is capable of the most amazing feats despite its small size, such as travelling great distances or being able to fly backwards.