School Holidays

July 11, 2015 raphaela997 Comments

Being a home schooler, we still follow the school terms. My daughter gets to catch up with school friends and relax a bit. Ironically, she begs to stay home some days, as our school term is basically filled with frequent sojourns to the city. It was lovely, stopping and having time to go to the park. To watch kids movies with friends and have a late breakfast.

The guinea pigs have brought some wonderful people into our lives. We put out an offer for families to adopt some of them for free. It was fabulous to see the joy the kids experienced when they held their new guinea pig for the first time. I have learnt quite a bit about guinea pigs! I was pressing the wrong part of their tummy to determine if they were boys or girls. If you are pressing the correct part, something will pop out if it’s a boy! I also didn’t know that they can fall pregnant immediately after having babies! I wasn’t aware either that they are determined to be together, and to my horror, the girls broke into the boy’s run. As with everything, you learn through experience! Many guinea pigs have gone to beautiful homes, and I am treated to pictures of them being adored, which fills my heart. They have connected us to many lovely people in the community, and I will love them always for that.

Munchkin and I went on the Sydney Explorer bus with friends and ended up in Double Bay. Our friends had been wanting to do the Eastern Suburbs trip for years and we decided it was time. We had pub food and champers for lunch, then got some bargains from dress stores. Honestly, the clothing was almost as cheap as if we had gone to an op shop. We giggled as we chatted about our prior plans for the day. The park and then Bondi Beach for hot chips. The girls were so enamoured by the grand changing rooms that they didn’t mind at all. We investigated a mere block of Double Bay this day!

My daughter skated at St Marys Cathedral. The winter weather has been glorious in Sydney!

It was NAIDOC week in Sydney, and I took my daughter to a flag-raising ceremony. We all walked through the smoke created by Eucalyptus leaves being burnt by a man honoured to fulfil this task. We were mesmerized by the children dancing, and then we all walked together down to a farm gifted to the community. A free lunch was offered, and there was plenty to keep the children entertained. It was a beautiful day in a beautiful town.

We are starting the new term refreshed. I am looking forward to all that awaits us! I am learning alongside my child and have gleaned much information about our world and how it works. When she asks a question I often hurriedly seek information from Dr Google, which makes me appear smarter than I am. I am certainly going to slow down this term, and not run myself into the ground. Life is too precious for that!

Dragons Loyalty Award

July 8, 2015 raphaela996 Comments

4 Year Old Adult has nominated me for the Dragons Loyalty Award. Thankyou very much for this honour!
Here are the rules:
1.Thank the giver and link their blog to your post.
2.Pass the award on to other bloggers of your choice and let them know that they have been nominated.
3.List 7 facts about yourself.
Here Goes!
1. I am caught between being an extrovert and somebody incapacitated by fear of social settings.
2. I have been creating a mandala each night, and have been amazed by what has come up. It’s interesting to look at a few week’s worth and see what has popped out of my brain!
3. I wake up each night at 3am. I usually read and think before having a light sleep again for an hour or so.
4. I love riding the red double-decker bus around Sydney with my daughter. I turn the phone off and relax.
5. I love good coffee and fine wines, preferably with a harpist playing at a lovely venue.
6. I love photographs and feel a little overwhelmed that I now have a few year’s worth to print off! Digital photography has made the taking of pictures easy. Too easy!
7. I am eccentric, though only in my routine, diet, dress sense, hair, way of thinking and decorating. I love people who stand out as individuals.
I nominate the following:
Corina
Wonder of My Worlds

Getting out in the Sunshine.

June 30, 2015 raphaela9910 Comments

A friend texted me the other day, and insisted on seeing me. “When are you free today?” he had written. I felt a pain in my chest, knowing I would be flitting from one activity to another, and then another. Then, a smattering of light hit the quagmire, and I replied, “I have an hour whilst L is at a class.” We sat down and conversed, he with green tea, and me with a strong coffee. It was my fifth of the day. He could see I was overwhelmed and questioned all that I forced myself to fit into a day. He was concerned. It was enough for me to be taken aback and review what I was doing. Home schooling my daughter, I was trying to be all things to her. Teacher, mum, social planner, and many more aside. I was trying to please all the people in my world, keep my commitments, and generally be functional. I had around thirty texts a day and around a thousand emails to answer. I was exhausted.

There was no time to eat lunch, no time to change hormone patches, no time to see a doctor or exercise… Hell, there was barely enough time to down more caffeine! I had been feeling as though I were heading for a nervous collapse. Deadlines for articles and deadlines I put on myself. Put in a noisy neighbour who compromised my sleep… I would wake up and have to down two coffees. I would sit on the couch shaking with anxiety, filled with dread at all I had to do. I had to keep everyone happy. Sometimes I would hyperventilate and my stomach would churn. When you have so much to do that you don’t know where to start… My friend was right, and I acknowledged the wisdom of his observation. “I use business as an avoidance tool,” I replied. If I am busy, I can’t feel lonely. If I am busy, my physical pain is ignored. If I am busy, I don’t have time to feel the sorrow, depression and anger.

If I am busy, I can avoid my social anxiety. I don’t quite know where I fit in, and if people actually want to see me. I don’t call friends out of fear of rejection. I am unsure of my place in friend’s lives. I am scared. Thus, I drink coffee of a day, run around like a mad thing, and drink wine at night to come down off my adrenaline rush. The wine brings me down, way down. I go to bed, sleep for a few hours, wake up with a dry mouth and start again. It has to stop. My friend held up a mirror, and I saw the truth. I had no spaces in my life. None. I have to let go of control.

The school holidays began, and I vowed to not over-commit. A new playground opened around the corner, and I set off with my daughter. It felt wrong, and I had a panic attack. I felt guilt that I wasn’t doing things at home. That was a big indicator that I needed to do this, immediately. When depression hits, it hits in a big and scary way, like a tsunami of churned-up emotions. It tells me to stay home and hide. I have to do the opposite. We went to the park, and a friend joined us. We watched the girls play, and we walked in the sun. A few hours later, when we returned home, I felt refreshed. I didn’t drink wine last night. I went to bed early, and had a good sleep. The noisy neighbour was at it early this morning. I had one coffee, made lunch, and we set off for the park again. It was glorious. So many friendly faces, hugs and smiles. A friend even brought her little pony for the kids to pat. I am changing everything at this point. If I continue on this trajectory, I will inevitably collapse. More early nights, and less commitments are required. I have to. It will mean saying “no” to things that are stretching my limits. It will mean more time in the sunshine and for spontaneous gatherings.

Two years ago, I did a free e-course for people with anxiety. I completed a questionnaire which was designed to advise how far I had come.

‘Dear Raphaela,

Thank you again for your ongoing support of this important research – we really appreciate your time and benefit from your support.

We are pleased to say that the questionnaires you completed indicate that your symptoms have reduced since you first completed the questionnaires more than 24 months ago. Specifically, your symptoms of both panic and low mood have reduced by more than 70% and are now in the low to non-clinical ranges. We appreciate that the questionnaires do not always reflect people’s experiences, but these are good improvements to have made and maintained – we hope they are reflected in improvements in your wellbeing.’

I am never going back to how I felt as a young person; to how I felt two years ago. I wont. I do have work to do, and life does get busy, but I am going to cease pushing myself to the brink. It leaves no time for joy and happen-chance. I am going to walk in the sun, and we are going to play most days. I will find time. If emails go unanswered, if my phone gets switched off, so be it. I will snatch back time.

I have to retrain my nervous system and my brain. I have to learn how to breathe again. I have to understand that caffeine is lovely provided its one cup a day. I have to stop using alcohol to make me feel comfortable socially and to drown out the panic which overtakes me at night. They are only habits, and a habit can be changed.

Abba, Lolo Lovina, Red Wine and Rainbows

June 28, 2015 raphaela997 Comments

The week that was…

My daughter played Titania in a Midsummer Nights Dream. She loved the experience and wants to do more acting! I was very proud of her.

I took my daughter to see Inside Out, a spectacular film, which addresses depression. It illustrates how a young person can break down and also be rebuilt. Afterward, we had a few chores to see to. As I walked through the shopping centre, I started to stumble. I had an horrific pain through my left foot, shooting up my leg and into my spine. This was annoying, as I usually have that sort of pain on my right side. There I was, holding onto a trolley, my daughter gently guiding both it and I. I met a friend, who saw that I was in agony. She had just been to the post office to pick up a box filled with wine from the Margaret River region. She handed me a bottle of red, of which I am immensely grateful. I managed to get home, poured myself a glass and lay down. New symptoms added to the mix shake things up. At least its a change to the pathways of pain!

11650654_985275598172952_392033220_n — Should I get a device that turns zucchini into spaghetti? Hang on, I have one but have never used it!

We went on a cruise around Sydney Harbor Friday night. My daughter loves Abba, and was delighted with the tribute band.

Here is an excellent article on the machinations of PTSD. I found myself nodding in agreement throughout.

Saturday night, we went to Marrickville Town hall, to a Masquerade Balkan Beats Ball. The divine Rroma Gypsy fusion band, Lolo Lovina got us all up dancing.

My daughter went for it on the dance floor, enthralled with the frantic beat and unencumbered joy. When life is rough and you are tired and in pain, my suggestion is get yourself along to a festival. Go for a walk. Shake up your world.

We saw a lot of rainbows on the internet, and it filled me with joy! Things can change and advance, yay!

Once a Victim, now a Survivor

June 28, 2015June 29, 2015 raphaela994 Comments

I am incredibly touched that Gentle Kindness nominated me for the Once a Victim Now a Survivor Award.

This award is for those who have gone through mental illness of any kind, abuse, trauma, and especially PTSD. Here are the rules:

Thank the blogger that nominated you
Nominate 5 – 10 bloggers to pass the award to
Post questions for your nominees to answer (you may use the same as these below)
Inform your nominees and post a comment in their blog to let them know they’ve been nominated

Here are the questions for my nominees. Feel free to skip any questions that you want to skip. You can fill in your own questions as you feel appropriate.

1. In what ways do you feel that blogging can help people with psychological trauma or mental illness?

Most definitely! It gives you a platform to not only articulate your experience and feelings, but also to educate.

2. How has blogging helped you with your healing, or your personal journey?

Being able to tell my story has been invaluable, and the messages of support I have received are incredibly uplifting. We are a real community! I certainly feel validated.

3. What books, movies, or YouTube channels would you recommend to someone with a similar background to you?

I have written a book called Lived to Tell. It details what occurred, and most importantly, how I came back from hell. It has a happy ending! People placed bets that I wouldn’t live to fifteen, and now I am a grown woman. That still makes me shake my head in wonder! My worst day now pales when compared to my worst days then.

Here are my Nominees:

There are so many others, and you all deserve this award. Please put it up if you would like to.

Dinosaurs and Keeping up with the Holsbys

June 26, 2015 raphaela993 Comments

The beautiful Danielle of Keeping up with the Holsbys sent me an email, notifying me that we were the lucky winners of four tickets to Erth’s Dinosaur Zoo at the Riverside Theatre, Parramatta. My daughter thought of inviting her young friend, Ben. He had a nasty fall at the playground and broke his arm so badly that he needed immediate surgery. She considered that it would be his bravery award. The Riverside Theatre is in a glorious spot in Parramatta, the lights from the theatre twinkling in the river, like water sprites beckoning to you. Erths Dinosaur Zoo was an amazing show, and the kids roared with laughter and gasped in amazement at the dinosaur’s they saw. The babies were so cute!

5M2YhLyvLAfyFuuOVpyMB1pw9hf2jYI4DHW3OkaoKdw — Photo by Jeni Nagy

rhiYnIijpH7ZfiExKkj1eizeAY-VB9RPeGqAayI3ygg — Photo by Jeni Nagy

It was an interactive experience and the children engaged with the lifelike puppets. One brave kid even agreed to put her head in a dinosaur’s mouth! A huge thankyou to Danielle and the Riverside Theatre for gifting us the tickets. I don’t know who had the most fun, the kids or mums! There are some fantastic productions coming up at The Riverside Theatre. Click on the link to see their website, and pay a visit to Keeping Up with the Holsbys for honest, entertaining and heart-rending content. Winning a competition shakes up your world a bit. There you are, ensconced in the everyday minutiae of living, and a lovely surprise lands at your door. It is a reminder that life can be thrilling indeed.

Ten Ways to Help Yourself During a Flashback

June 22, 2015June 22, 2015 raphaela9918 Comments

Many people in my circle would probably be surprised to know that I have PTSD. They would be surprised at its ferocity and how hard I have had to work to have a semblance of normality. It hasn’t been easy! There was years of involuntary shaking when the telephone rang or someone knocked at the door. I would have to talk myself into venturing to the letterbox. I rarely went out alone. I can suffer flashbacks pretty easily, especially in social settings. You are out of your comfort zone and when a “red zone” topic comes up in conversation, I can literally feel my body tense and my brain react. I will sometimes feel welded to the seat, unable to move and get away. Sometimes I look placid and I smile. I have covered up my terror with gulps of wine, but when I get home, the horror hits. It can take weeks to get my equilibrium back. When a group of people start talking about the horror in the news and such, I usually think “there goes two weeks of sleep.”

I began to think that there had to be a better way than to nurse a flute of champagne (well, actually several), to take away my discomfort. There had to be a better way than to stay glued to my seat, listening to horrifying opinions on deeply upsetting topics.
Here is how I cope.
1. Remembering that I am here, not there. I have a little piece of paper that I pull out of my purse. You are here, not there, it reads. I find it deeply assuring when I am feeling myself pulled back into the trauma of the past.

2. I will immediately excuse myself. Whether that be from a conversation or a shop where music is being played that reminds me of the past. I will find a quiet area (usually the bathroom), and concentrate on my breathing.

3. I will watch my diet. Grabbing crackers and dips at a party will not do. A balanced diet is necessary. When I was at my worst, it was found I wasn’t absorbing B12 and needed shots. The difference was quite incredible. Bananas and other foods high in the amino acid Tryptophan are also helpful.

4. I am allowed to state that I am uncomfortable. If the people are unaware, I am allowed to state what my past looked like.

5. I need to have adequate rest. The PTSD (which involves nightmares, flashbacks and panic attacks), escalates if I am rushing from one thing to another.

6. On certain dates, I need space. I wont commit to anything on the anniversary of my fall, for instance. It is a time of reflection, grief and also celebration that I survived. It is a deeply personal time.

7. I take a bottle of Rescue Remedy and lavender essential oil with me in my bag. The act of sniffing them -or putting the Rescue Remedy on my tongue- snaps me back to the present.

8. I carry a photo of my daughter with me and take it out and look at her smiling face. The joy contained in the picture helps me to centre. It could be a picture of a pet. Whatever helps you.

9. I wont over-imbibe. The crash that comes afterward emotionally is devastating.

10. I can leave. Wow! I now give myself permission to leave! If the vibe is going South and the conversation is awful, I can leave.

It is a hard thing to live with. Sometimes the past can seem clearer than now. Every detail is etched into my memory, and doesn’t fade with time. Sights, sounds, smells, touch and taste can take me back. No wonder it happens a fair bit! The most important thing is that I show myself kindness. I need regular time to myself to process what I am feeling, and what I have heard. In a week, people can talk about murder, sexual abuse, child abduction, and crime movies/novels many times over. It sticks to my skin, like they have gone mad with a labeller. I go out to nature and breathe. I need silence to oppose the noise in my mind.

I had an experience the other day, whilst visiting a school on the other side of our city. I saw a lady sitting by herself. Her eyes showed abject terror, her body language stiff and self-protective. She was waiting to pick up her kids. I sat with her, and we started talking. She talked about a man from her childhood, a member of her family. “He was too friendly,” she whispered. Her eyes met mine. She knew I knew and I knew that she knew that I knew. I told her how sorry I was. So very sorry. I hope she is treated kindly in her adult life. You don’t “get over” some experiences, but you can live beautifully despite them.

Hitting the Wall and Bouncing off.

June 10, 2015 raphaela995 Comments

It was the end of a heavy week, and I felt smashed. I would have touched base with Serena over the Queen’s Birthday long weekend… I miss you so much. We probably would have gone to see a movie, then ventured to the park with takeaway coffee. We would have giggled and talked about a myriad of things, completely unrelated.

Sunday, I went to a Biggest Morning Tea to raise funds for the Cancer Council. My friend’s home was awash with balloons, bobbing at the ceiling. Bright yellow, they represented those we have lost to cancer. Bright yellow, like sunshine and trilling canaries and everything hopeful. It was a solemn moment, writing messages and names onto the balloons.

We then released the balloons into the air.

Cancer may have threatened the lives of our loved ones, and taken some beautiful people away, but it can never steal the fight against this bastard of a disease. We will continue to fight you, smite you, sneer at you.

The event raised over a $1,000 and I know that as long as there are people willing to stand up to you, the battle shall one day be won. I once toured the Children’s Cancer Institute. I saw young researchers crouched over cramped desks in stuffy rooms without windows. They were working twelve-hour days, and their commitment was without end. One day you will be no more, but their names shall be written in the annals of time. When I hit the wall, overwhelmed by how many I love are seriously ill, flattened by grief over the loved ones lost, I think of these researchers. I think of a young cancer patient I know who was part of a trial and whose cancer has retreated rather than advanced. To know what is happening behind the scenes-to have seen it with your own eyes-is a wondrous thing.

Aftermath of IVF

May 31, 2015May 31, 2015 raphaela997 Comments

So many emotions swirl around when you discover you need IVF. You go in search of your tribe, uncovering a plethora of online support. I want to address what happens when-after a truckload of heartache- you fall pregnant. The IVF clinic were my family. I clung to them, and saw them most days. I knew all the staff’s names, and it was familiar and secure, this place of dreams. They celebrated along with me upon my positive pregnancy test. I had one follicle. It was a miracle. Upon discovering that my baby’s heart was beating soundly and I didn’t indeed have a chemical pregnancy, I was released. What the? I am not ready! I was sent off to find an obstetrician, to join the ranks of the fertile I had previously avoided and feared. I had been turfed out of my nest.

I found the same online. I was ever-aware that my friends were struggling, and pondered on breaking my news. Everyone was most joyful, but I knew I didnt have a place on the IVF boards anymore. Interestingly, being on the post-IVF boards was painful too. There were ladies falling pregnant again naturally, with their second and third children. I didnt feel like I belonged nor identified with the group gathered for the pregnancy classes at the local hospital either. They had all travelled extensively and then decided to fall pregnant. In my world, that wasn’t an option. I felt intimidated to be around couples who had timed their lives. When they complained about their pregnancies I felt indignant.

I didn’t belong anywhere in pregnancy. I lost contact with those still going through the process, just as those who had fallen pregnant whilst I was undergoing IVF were lost to me. It is such a painful journey, and whilst you rejoice in another’s success, it is a reminder of your grief. In my mother’s group post-birth, I didn’t feel as though I belonged either, especially when they went on to have other babies. I was in and out of hospital having surgery and tests, praying to have a second child. They were lost to me too.

Oh man, the injections and nasal sprays, pills and procedures, egg pickup and embryo transfers, the two week wait, who could I share this with? Only those who have been to this precipice to insanity could understand. Our bond is so strong that a woman I had never met in person called around upon hearing that I had endured more endometriosis surgery in the hopes of having a second child. She came armed with flowers, a meal and a huge hug for my daughter. There are another set of mothers out there, who have been through IVF and had to leave that world, though don’t fit in with mothers who conceived naturally. I am proud to be amongst their ranks. This journey isn’t for the faint-hearted.

Vivid

May 27, 2015May 27, 2015 raphaela994 Comments

So, my friend and I went to Vivid last Saturday night at Circular Quay. She is hysterically funny in that dry, laconic Australian way. I texted that my daughter and I were in the loos and wouldn’t be long. She said she would meet us there. I waited and waited and when she didn’t show, it dawned on me that perhaps she was at the facilities at the other end of the Quay. She was! We hugged, comfortable in our embrace as we are both under 5 feet tall. I gave her a birthday gift, which included size 5 (tiny), sparkly slippers. We walked around to the Opera House whilst it was still light and plonked down on the steps. Her daughter and mine got restless, so her husband offered to take them for a walk. We began a two hour chat full of enlightened dribble about my making a fortune off an upcoming YouTube channel featuring my guinea pigs, my filming her Tina Turner impersonation, and becoming her manager, and bursting into musicals whenever we heard key words.

Dusk was coming and the children and her husband still hadn’t returned. “I hope he hasn’t had a hypo,” she remarked. “Shit!” He is a diabetic and could well be disorientated. Fortunately, he sauntered over with the kids, and we went in search of food. We walked to The Rocks, and selected good, nutritious food from the market stalls, whilst the girls demanded pretzels. Us ladies all went to the loo, and took selfie’s (as you do).

My friend laughed, “we are here to see Vivid, this light festival… We haven’t seen a thing in three hours!” I laughed too, and said that when we get together, we have so much fun talking rubbish, laughing and taking bathroom selfie’s that we forget what we are there for.

She showed me these mints and I am now hankering after the tin.

We saw the MCA and Opera House Lights, and walked around to Customs House, where I captured this.

Our two IVF miracles adore each other, and were happy climbing trees and being together.

Thousands of people were trying to get through Circular Quay by 8pm. Someone sneezed and one of our tribe called out “bless you!” “Thankyou!” came the response alongside thousands of people laughing and smiling at the exchange. My friend’s husband needed something sweet to raise his blood sugar, and so he and the kids had ice cream. We saw hardly anything, but a festival is about the bringing together of people. That is what a ‘happening’ is. This is what Saturday night was.